Posts in category Power
True Beauty Is Inside
This woman defines what it means to have inner beauty ...
During the Holocaust, Irena Sendler worked in the Warsaw Ghetto as a plumber. She courageously smuggled babies out of the Ghetto in her tool box and carried larger children in her sack. She also trained her dog to bark when the Nazi soldiers were near, which muffled the sounds of the crying children. She helped save more than 2,500 children until soldiers caught and beat her severely, breaking both of her legs. She survived & tried to connect any parents with their children. Sadly, most of the parents had been killed so the kids were placed into foster homes or adopted.
Read more about Irena here.How Will He Balance the Roles of Dad and Politician?
That question is never asked of male politicians, is it?
The media doesn't generally define a man by his appearance (haggard, hot, old, ugly, fat) or through his personal relationships (husband, father, no kids) - he's just a human being. The focus is on his beliefs, his politics, his professional life, his integrity. His looks are irrelevant & his relationships are peripheral.
Which narrative would more strongly support a political candidate? Which narrative would lead people to take a person more seriously as a leader?
No wonder it's so hard to get more women in politics. :/
If Men Posed Like Women …
The media's treatment of women as sex objects is a ubiquitous fact of life. Advertisements, fashion spreads, comic books, movie posters -- nearly everywhere you look, women are shown in various stages of undress and posed in positions that make them look vulnerable, submissive, and sexually available. Conversely, men are depicted in positions of power or dominance, e.g., standing while a woman is reclining, being fully clothed while she's undressed, etc. These differences reinforce inequality between the sexes. Really, how powerful can a woman feel when she's half-naked and awkwardly contorted?
It's an interesting social experiment to see what happens when men are placed in these typical "female" poses.
The image below features two Vanity Fair covers: the top one with fully-clothed fashion designer Tom Ford, along with a nude Keira Knightley and Scarlett Johansson; and the bottom one is a Vanity Fair spoof of their own cover with a fully-clothed Paul Rudd and a pretend-nude Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, and Jason Segel. In a separate issue, Vanity Fair also did a photo spread with comedians Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph, and Tina Fey, but posed them as typical sex objects. As Entertainment Weekly asks, would it be "... just as uproarious if some of those ladies vamped ironically in body stockings[?] ... Men being objectified is so silly as to be hilarious, but it’s better if funny women are also hot."
Here's a similar set of images showing nude female models huddled together and then one with the guys from the "Jackass" TV series and movies: 
The following "men-ups" were created by photographer Rion Sabean to parody classic pin-up poses. According to Rion, his work focuses on "... gender and sexuality, wherein I attempt to bring light to the scrutiny and judgments of a society that defines human beings under rigid, antiquated terms."
Artist Paul Richmond created a similar series from a gay male perspective. "I began the Cheesecake Boys series to rectify the inequalities in the underwear-flashing art genre known as pin-up," said Richmond.
Here's Richmond explaining how he came up with the concept, along with more examples of his work:
Fantasy author Jim Hines parodied women's poses on the covers of fantasy novels by trying to replicate the poses himself. (He also did a series posing like the men on romance novel covers). "... [M]ost of these covers are supposed to convey strong, sexy heroines, but these are not poses that suggest strength. You can’t fight from these stances. I could barely even walk," said Hines.
If It’s Not Hurting You
“That’s not sexist,” he says, as she strips on the screen.
“She showed a lot more in that men’s magazine.”
“She’s an object,” I say. “Irrelevant to the plot.
It’s about telling women, ‘Shut up and look hot.’”
But he likes naked chicks,
Is that such a sin?
Why does he care
If it’s not hurting him?
“I’m not racist,” she says. “I have a black friend.
I just don’t believe that the races should blend.
The illegals come here and steal all our jobs.
They need to learn English – they’re ignorant slobs!”
Being white makes you lucky –
No hoops to jump through.
Racism’s not bad
If it’s not hurting you.
“The gays force their beliefs and have lots of sex!
They’ll redefine marriage – who knows what’s next?
They flaunt their lifestyle, even during the day!
It’s like they’re all trying to turn our kids gay!”
Straights can get married,
Show their love with a gem.
If they’re blocking gay rights
It’s not hurting them.
“You can’t have an abortion, because I don’t agree.
I’ll make the decision – you’re public property.
You had the sex; in fact, you’re a slut.
So you will be punished. Now keep your legs shut.”
Women don’t own their bodies,
It’s different with men,
Having no choice is okay –
If it’s not hurting them.
“There’s a war on religion led by liberals and gays!
They’re persecuting us when we don’t get our way!
This nation is Christian! Your history tells lies.
Jesus is the truth!” (Well, it’s my truth in disguise.)
Church and state combine
When voting from the pew.
Legislating belief is fine –
If it’s not hurting you.
“The poor are just lazy – they don’t like to work.
They want us to pay while they get the perks.
Now, perks for the wealthy is the American way!
Tax breaks and loopholes let us keep all our pay.”
You don’t have to share
If the scale favors the few.
When the poor kids don’t eat,
It’s not hurting you.
You take for granted your freedom and rights
If you never have to struggle and never have to fight.
You can use your position of privilege and luck
To selfishly judge, because who gives a fuck?
It’s not your problem.
You don’t have a clue
What it’s like to be hurt
When it’s not hurting you.
A Woman’s Declaration of Independence
The following is an excerpt from the upcoming book -- If Beauty Is inside, Why Do We Hate Our Guts?: Pop Culture, Sexism, & Body Image. Read the first chapter here.
It's time to declare independence, to separate ourselves from the bad habits, the stifling expectations, and the negative messages that no longer serve us (assuming they ever did).
It's time to declare independence from media messages that tell us we're ugly if we don't look like the "flawless" images of celebrities on the screen and in the magazines. It's time to stop buying into the manipulation and stop wasting time trying to chase an illusion that doesn't even exist.
It's time to declare independence from the belief that having the perfect body will make us worthy of love and respect. We're already worthy of love and respect in the bodies we have now -- no amount of weight loss or plastic surgery will increase our value.
It's time to declare independence from dieting, from deprivation, from seeing food as the enemy. The American weight loss industry makes nearly $60 billion a year trying to convince us that we're not good enough -- if diets worked, would they be this profitable? It's time to stop contributing to their false sense of hope.
It's time to declare independence from body loathing, from looking at our bodies with disgust instead of love. It's time to appreciate all of the amazing things they do for us -- the jiggly arms that give great hugs, the flabby thighs that carry us through the park, the droopy breasts that fed a child, the wounded heart that still knows how to love, the exhausted brain that still manages to tell our lungs to breathe.
It's time to declare independence from spending so much time, energy, and money trying to fit into someone else's idea of whom we should be. It's time to put ourselves first, to focus on our own desires and do what we want instead of what's expected of us. It's time to trust our instincts and become someone we're proud of.
It's time to declare independence from shame, from the belief that we're not good enough, not beautiful enough, not thin enough, not smart enough, not clever enough, not sexy enough. It's time to declare that we are already enough -- that we are perfectly imperfect exactly as we are.
It's time to declare independence from the oppressive labels of virgin or whore, straight or gay. Our sexuality does not define us. It can't possibly define what kind of person we are or what's in our hearts or our minds. Any attempt by others to claim otherwise is an attempt to control us, to police our behavior, and to shame us so that they don't have to examine their own ignorance and fear.
It's time to declare independence from the belief that we can bring sexual assault upon ourselves based on how provocatively we're dressed, how flirty we act, or how drunk we get. The only person responsible for a rapist's behavior is the rapist himself. We have a right to feel safe in the world.
It's time to declare independence from legislators who think the female body should be controlled by wealthy, middle-aged, white, conservative men. Our bodies belong to us -- it's time to declare our freedom to make our own decisions about them. Because if we cannot, then we are truly not equal citizens and this country as not as free it claims to be.
It's time to declare our independence from any force that tries to hold us down -- especially those forces that limit us from within.
SLUT: See Limbaugh, Unevolved Troglodyte
Rush Limbaugh has been all over the news since his misogynistic rant about Sandra Fluke, the Georgetown University law student who testified before Democratic members of Congress about birth control coverage being a necessary part of women's health. His rant went on for over three days, during which he called her a "slut" and a "prostitute," along with about 50 other insults. Apparently, each of those insults has now cost him an advertiser, as 50 of them (so far) have pulled their ads from his show. Granted, one must wonder why they ever decided to advertise with him in the first place. As a man who regularly spews sexist manure and the one who coined the term "feminazi," it's obviously not his first sexist rodeo. However, this time enough people grabbed the bully by the horns and put pressure on his advertisers to try to make it his last.
After several advertisers initially dropped him, he made a half-assed apology to Fluke, during which he just reiterated what he'd previously said. At that point, you'd think he might slither away from sexist rhetoric until the heat went down ... but nope. Just last week, he made demeaning comments about author Tracie McMillan, including calling her an "authorette" and stating: "What is it with all these overeducated white women?"
Actually, what is it with all these sexist and ignorant old white men? Clearly he's threatened by "overeducated white women" and "feminazis" -- and rightly so. We tend to think women should be treated with respect and fairness. And when we're called things like "slut," "prostitute," "overeducated," and "feminazi" by a cave-dwelling radio personality, we're likely to call him on his shit.
The most disturbing thing about Limbaugh's vile comments are that he isn't alone. Attitudes such as his underlie legislative and religious efforts to politicize our reproductive health and police our sexuality, and they also underlie violence against women in general. It's all about control. The attacks on reproductive rights aren't even about birth control -- they're about woman control. And words like slut are used to shame us, silence us, and put us back in our places.
One thing that cave-dwelling troglodytes are good at is lighting fires. And Limbaugh certainly lit a big one this time.
Referring to a woman as a "slut" and a "prostitute" for sharing her beliefs about birth control, saying that ”she wants you and me and the taxpayers to pay her to have sex” and that she should post a sex video as repayment -- these statements aren't merely the sexist tirades of a bloated blowhard -- these are inflammatory comments on a grander 
scale. They contribute to a culture in which demeaning women is normalized. He's fueling the fires of those who share his misogynistic views, fueling their anger toward women for being immoral sluts because they dare to have sex without shame. He's fueling the justifications of those who see women as sexual objects who owe them sex. He's fueling the anger at women who dare to turn down sexual advances. He's fueling the claims that women ask to be harassed or raped because of how they act or dress. These words fuel the fires of those who share the opinion that women should have no voice, that we should be silenced so that we can't challenge their dominance. These are the beliefs underlying the verbal attacks by trolls on online comment boards when a woman dares to speak her mind. And these attitudes are the beliefs underlying more severe misogyny.
These words aren't uttered in a vacuum. Especially when they're uttered by a media personality with millions of like-minded viewers. Violent actions are precipitated by violent beliefs. In the same way that a disease epidemic affects the weakest members of society first, so does inflammatory rhetoric. Limbaugh reinforces the beliefs of those listeners who share his sexist views; those who have anger issues, antisocial personalities, or other psychological disorders may indeed act out that misogyny. His words fuel their beliefs and their justifications for treating women as objectified less-than-human beings. Thousands of women in this country are physically and sexually assaulted not only by strangers, but also by men they know, including their own partners. Men who see women as equals and deserving of respect do not generally beat and rape women. They also don't call us sluts or prostitutes or try to control our bodies.
A disturbed person may be the one who ultimately lights the match, but vile-hate-spewing-"entertainers" like Limbaugh are the ones providing the gasoline. And both need to be extinguished.
Cool Story, Babe
Ugh. Can't a girl enjoy a nice afternoon at the mall? It's bad enough that most stores' mirrors and lighting age us by 10 years and increase our weight by 10 pounds. It's bad enough that stores display boxes of damn hangers that talk about how skinny they are and imply how skinny we aren't. It's bad enough that we have to pass by 10-foot tall posters of nearly naked models in Victoria's Secret's windows. And it's even worse when the local Victoria's Secret is right next door to a See's candy shop. But come on. Seriously? A trip to the mall now has to include cheap insults about women being so intellectually boring that we should just get back in the kitchen? Guess we haven't come such a long way, baby ... when this kind of crap is still being sold.
Now I'm not sure what type of person would purchase this sweatshirt. Maybe the type of fine gentleman who'd also purchase Playboy cologne? Or maybe it would be the type of sell-out wife who'd wear this shirt?
Regardless, here's a "cool story": The next guy wearing this juvenile-not-even-close-to-witty-excuse-for-a-fashion-statement may indeed get some "babe" to make him a sandwich ... it just might be of the knuckle variety.
This Is Your Life
This past Christmas morning, 8-year-old Elijah anxiously waited for his mom to return from work so they could open presents together. Donna Fountain left for her job in Brooklyn at 7:30am. She was a single mother and her hard work as a home health care worker allowed her to provide for her son -- even if it meant she had to work on Christmas Day. But soon after leaving the house, Donna was struck and killed by a hit-and-run driver while crossing the street. Police found a folded and wrinkled slip of notebook paper on the 38-year-old woman's body. Donna carried it with her everywhere. On that piece of paper, Donna had written out five life goals that she had hoped to accomplish. She titled this list "My Dreams":
- Work on my dream job.
- Buy a house by 45.
- Start housing for gay and lesbian teens.
- Marry the woman of my dreams.
- Make sure Elijah graduates from college!
A careless and heartless driver stole Donna's chance to see these dreams materialize. They remain immortalized in pencil on a crumpled slip of paper. Many of us have similar lists of our own, either written down or simply living in our heads. We postpone them, assuming we have plenty of time left. But this isn't always true.
As New Year's Day approaches and we start compiling our lists of resolutions (which are generally just variations on last year's), maybe we should think twice about our dreams for the year. Instead of the typical "lose weight," why not strive for more meaningful pursuits? Why not let Donna's dreams inspire us to live our own? Why not resolve to be the best version of ourselves? To really LIVE? And then to drag the words off the paper and turn them into action?
Note that nowhere on Donna's list of dreams was "Lose 20 pounds."
Feminist Action Figures!
Here's an awesome fake commercial advertising the Brontë Sisters Power Dolls. Named after the classic-novel-writing-sisters Charlotte, Emily, and Anne Brontë, the dolls were featured as part of a 1998 series that re-imagined historical figures as action figures. In this commercial, kids make the Brontë Sisters fight against the evil publisher so they can get their books into print. The Brontë Sisters come with Super Disguise Mustaches! and Boomerang Book-Throwing Action!, and can transform into a Brontësaurus with barrier-breaking feminist vision! Check it out:
Unfortunately, these dolls aren't real. For now, girls will just have to choose from Bimbo Barbies who stand around looking pretty, Bratz Dolls who look like mini porn stars with eyes larger than their waists, and Disney princesses who always seem to be waiting for their princes to save them.
I'd like to think as a girl, I would've chosen the Brontë Sisters Power Dolls (if they existed) over the others. But honestly, I'm not so sure. (I totally wanted to be Cinderella.) As a culture, we need the barrier-breaking feminist vision to offer girls more options so that they can emulate cool action figures like the Brontë Sisters. Otherwise, they'll just keep getting more inaction figures that reinforce the value of standing around looking pretty.
Whorin’ Ain’t Easy
In pop culture, a whore is demonized -- she's a woman who sells her body for money, a prostitute. She's promiscuous and immoral. She's unclean -- she's a dirty whore, a filthy whore. She's damaged goods and the opposite of virgin. It's a bad thing to "whore yourself out" or to be anyone's bitch. A Google image search for "whore" will bring up lots of porn (so make sure your SafeSearch is on) and quite a few demotivational posters about "attention whores". The whore doesn't have much power -- she's the thing, the object, the product being used.
In contrast, pimpin' is a compliment. A pimp is cool -- he's got money, nice clothes, a fancy car, and all the whores. If you search Google images for "pimp," you'll find pictures of rappers holding wads of cash; flamboyantly-dressed guys doing "pimp walks" in fur coats, big hats, and gold chains; pimps surrounded by scantily-clad hos; and ads for MTV's "Pimp My Ride". Even the pimps' violent language against women is mainstream (e.g., "bitch-slap," "smack that ho," "you're my bitch," etc.). Pimps are celebrated -- they have money, power, and control. They represent another concept that our culture celebrates: capitalism.
The concept of john is neither demonized, nor celebrated -- his role is largely ignored. Boys will be boys (and some boys will be johns) who are driven to seek out sex (in secret, hidden away from wives, girlfriends, or work buddies). A john is just a nameless, faceless customer. He's not particularly shamed like the whore, even though he's vital to the transaction. A john doesn't have a strong pop cultural presence. No one's ever going to "john their ride," nor are they ever accused of "johnin' themselves out". A Google image search for "john" brings up ... just a bunch of pictures of guys named John.
Celebrate the pimp,
ignore the john,
and demonize the whore –
this is what a sexist society looks like.
Here's a real-life "Pimp & Ho Party": Teenage girls running away to escape homes filled with physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. Forced to live on the streets in bad neighborhoods and sell their bodies, because there aren't many other options. Lingering on sidewalks waiting for potential customers prowling red-light districts in search of anonymous sex. Bending into lowered passenger-side car windows to negotiate bargain-basement-blowjobs with strangers. Risking sexually-transmitted diseases, sexual assault, and violence in exchange for cash. Sharing nightly earnings and bodies with pimps or risk even more violence. Using some of the cash to buy drugs and cheap alcohol to numb the pain.
Seriously, if you think pimpin' ain't easy, you should try whorin'.
Give a Hoot — Don’t Pollute!
I just found out that my own city in the suburbs is considering opening a Hooters. The new Hooters would replace another restaurant which also served a lot of meat -- Fuddruckers. The location is right across from Burlington Coat Factory and Buca di Beppo, bringing a whole new meaning to the term "strip mall."
By opening a location in my sleepy town, it appears as if Hooters has exhausted the tourist traps and they're hoping to expand to the suburban family demographic -- they do have a kid's menu after all. Apparently, Hooters is a family dining establishment when it can make them money, but it's also an adult establishment which offers "vicarious sexual entertainment" when it can get them out of equal employment lawsuits (e.g., requiring weight limits for female servers, not hiring male servers, etc.). Last year, a San Francisco attorney representing the National Organization for Women filed a complaint against Hooters claiming that they can't have it both ways -- that they can't defend themselves as adult establishments in lawsuits, while at the same time be catering to minors who are legally barred from such establishments.
Now, what kind of sick world are we living in if kids and sexual entertainment can't mix? What's next? Will they have to stop selling their "Hooters Gear" for kids? Where will responsible daddies buy their little sons "Hooters Girls Can't Keep Their Hands Off Me" t-shirts, "Your Crib or Mine?" bibs, or "I'm a Boob Man" rompers?
Anyway, back to my neighborhood -- let's just say that families who live in the suburbs aren't too thrilled with their potential new neighbor, as hundreds have let the city know. In addition to its breasts, legs, and thighs, Hooters is known for its wings. What if PETA came to town and used their typical tactics to protest Hooters, right alongside the local community? Would it be a protest or promotion? What a conundrum.
In response to the controversy, Hooter's CEO Rick Leukert was quoted in the local paper with a message to all the haters: "I would challenge them to go to Hooters and to look and see," he said. "The wonderful ladies who work for us are single moms, college students, family women, from all different backgrounds."
Oh, well that's a horse of a different color! People thought they were all just trashy sluts, but turns out they're actual real live women. Carry on then, for no one could have any other possible reason to object.
It's a clever little trick that the CEO chose to divert attention to the women's character, as if that were even the issue. No reasonable person questions whether Hooters girls deserve respect (please note: I said reasonable). Why not instead of debating their character, we debate the underlying sexist society that encourages its members to treat women's bodies as commodities? Or what if we debate the character of the pimps business people who profit from women's sexual objectification? Or what if we examine the psychological, sociological, and economic issues that lead women to see these types of jobs as viable/profitable options?
Surely, these will be the issues debated in the comments section of the local paper, right?
Yeah, right.
Once you wade through the stream of adolescent booby puns, you come across the truly sexist attitudes of the commenters -- and the lone woman who had the nerve to be a voice of reason, but instead became the object of their anger. The comments were primarily attacks on Hooters-hating women, and the attacks fell into three categories:
1) Get back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
2) You're just jealous because you're too fat/ugly to work there.
3) You're a humorless, butch, flannel-wearing, man-hating feminazi who wants to take away all the boobies. The nerve of some bitches!
How very enlightened and original! It's as if they've attended the Rush Limbaugh School for Women's Studies and Gender Relations. Such intellectual and well thought out arguments! And to think these fine men are members of my own community. The pride their mothers must feel.
While they differed in style, the Hooters CEO and the commenters were participating in the same process: by diverting attention to women's character (favorably or unfavorably), they were justifying their own sexism, their privileged male position in society, and their self-serving "right" to treat women as objects. 
That's it -- I'm co-opting the owl idea from Hooters and asking Woodsy to consider moonlighting outside of his U.S. Forest Service gig as an anti-sexism bird of prey. It's about time that our society decides to give a hoot and not pollute ... with trashy places like Hooters. And we can use cutesy owls for it all.
Revenge of the Nerd
I often write about how women can reclaim our power against a culture that tells us that our bodies are our most valuable attributes. My passion about this issue was partly due to years of being bullied about my looks (among other things) as I grew up. I was one of the unpopular 
kids from elementary through high school, and so being bullied was part of life. I had no idea why the other kids didn't like me, and I tried hard to figure it out. I would sit by myself outside of the library at lunchtime in my rainbow-striped top, my tan corduroy knickers that buttoned right below the knee, my burgundy knee socks, and my freshly-white-shoe-polished Payless tennis shoes, wondering why no one liked me. You'd better call Nancy Drew, because we have a mystery! My grandma told me the girls were just jealous because I was so much prettier than they were. I wish I were able to believe her, but grandmas have to say things like that.
I used to talk my mom into calling in sick for me all the time during junior high. I kept getting stomach aches right before the time we were supposed to leave for school. Concerned about my illness, my parents took me to a doctor who decided that I suffered from lactose-intolerance from the milk in my morning Cheerios. So my parents switched me to soy. No surprise – the stomach aches continued, because I wasn’t allergic to milk. I was allergic to the little shits who teased me. I was allergic to the dirty looks, the shunning, and the insults from the mean girls. I was allergic to being called ugly, smelly, and Casper because I was so pale. I was allergic to the shaming sting of cootie spray if I accidentally got too close to someone. I was allergic to being left out, to being picked last for teams, to being treated as if I were sub-human. I was allergic to no one standing up for me and to not having the tools to do it myself. Unfortunately, soy milk couldn't fix any of that.
Fast forward to my recent high school reunion. I wanted to see old friends, but I was dreading seeing the bullies who made my life hell. I was frustrated that they still had a hold on me, even as an adult. I had given them too much power for too long ... but now it was time to take it back.
As the night progressed, I finally got up the nerve to stand up for myself. I just knew I'd regret it if I didn't. So with the help of a few glasses of liquid courage, I confronted two of the mean girls and two of the mean guys. I didn't plan out exactly what I would say; I just ended up being real. I pulled each of them aside and nicely asked if I could speak to them for a moment. And one by one, I told them that they were pretty mean to me back in school, and I just wanted to know why. Was it something about me? I had spent years believing that it was me -- that I was bullied because I wasn't pretty enough, or thin enough, or simply just not enough.
And an amazing thing happened. Three out of the four bullies immediately apologized. The two guys acknowledged that they were jerks, and they both admitted that they took out their insecurities and family issues on other kids. That it had nothing to do with me. I wasn't prepared for them to be so introspective. One girl claimed that she didn't remember being bitchy to me, but she still apologized several times, hugged me, and seemed to feel guilty. The last girl just coldly stated that I was asking about something that happened many years ago, insisted that she didn't remember anything, and then reminded me again that it was many years ago.
But her response really didn't matter. None of their responses did. I confronted my bullies because I needed to stand up for myself, regardless of their reactions. And this time, I was detached enough to realize that their apologies or their denials had everything to do with them -- and nothing to do with me. When someone treats us poorly, often our first instinct is to wonder what it was about us that deserved the crappy treatment. Due to our own insecurities, we absorb their insults without considering that they actually reflect the insecurities of the other person. The worst part is when we take over the bullying ourselves.
Our early years can profoundly affect us long after we graduate. We spend less than 20 years in childhood, and another 20+ trying to undo the damage. If there’s a bright side for me, it's made me even more compassionate toward any group that's oppressed, because I know how much it hurts to be bullied and how much it sucks when no one defends you.
But the bullies aren't just in high school. The grown-up bullies have just graduated on to being mean in other ways -- to being critical and abusive partners and parents, to opposing the "homosexual lifestyle" and marriage equality, to treating other races as second-class citizens, to being intolerant and judgmental of others' religions or lack thereof, to supporting legislation that prevents women from having control over our own bodies, to treating women as dehumanized sexual objects. The media are a grown woman’s tormenters. They’re the mean girls and boys who tell us we’re ugly and fat, and that no one will like us unless we adhere to superficial beauty standards. I use my writing as a way of standing up to them.
We may have graduated from the playground, but we’re not immune to feeling bullied. The little kids inside us still want to be popular and accepted, and we don't want to be rejected. However, as grown-ups, we have more strength and resources than we had as children. We’re not the same powerless little kids. We no longer have to cry into our pillows at night. We’re old enough to fight against the bullies -- and to decide not to be bullies ourselves. We matter. We’ve always mattered, even if others were too blind or immature or insecure or heartless to recognize it. This was true when we were children, and it remains true as adults.
There will always be those who try to keep others down, but it's up to us to decide if we want to stand up to them or let them continue to victimize us. It's up to us to take our power back. And it's up to us to have the courage and compassion to stand up for others who have less power than we do.
And let me tell you -- it feels damn good to finally stand up.
Don’t Cha Trust Her
I found this stylish top in the Junior's section. Now why would a girl want to wear something like this? To display how competitive and untrustworthy she is? Or just to be mean and bitchy?
When I saw this t-shirt, I was immediately reminded of the song "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls. Granted, with their highly-sexualized image, the Pussycat Dolls are hardly models of progress, so lyrics such as theirs should come as no surprise. In case you haven't heard the song, here's the chorus: Don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Don't cha, don't cha, baby Don't cha wish your girlfriend was raw like me? Don't cha wish your girlfriend was fun like me? Don't cha, don't cha
Pop culture seems to treat petty competitiveness and insults as part of being female. The idiotic t-shirts, the man-stealing songs, the catty reality show contestants, the magazine articles about "What Makes Men Cheat?" -- they all regularly remind us that other women are threats. Until she proves she's our BFF, she's the enemy or worse -- the frenemy -- so we'd better watch our backs.
You Tell the Woman!
Here's an excerpt from an awesome little cartoon that shows what it's like to be a woman who dares to participate in the World Wide Web and the wide world beyond. Enjoy (or maybe just get pissed).
Check out the rest here.
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Sara Smile … I Said SMILE, Dammit!
Several men -- all strangers -- have told me to smile over the years. At work, on the street, in a store -- I'd hear variations of: "Why aren't you smiling?", "You should smile; you'd look prettier", or just flat-out "Smile!" I assumed it was some awkward form of flirtation, so I generally managed to force out a weak attempt. But it always made me feel uncomfortable and a bit irritated.
Commanding a strange woman to smile isn't exactly the pinnacle of good manners, so why did I feel compelled to do as I was told? Am I supposed to just grin like a fool on command? Don't I have a right to have a shitty day or simply not to feel like walking around with a Stepford-wife smile perpetually glued onto my face? It always felt kind of absurd and controlling.
I hadn't given it much thought until discovering that other women deal with this crap too. Just google "men telling women to smile" to see how common it is. Contrary to what I'd assumed, this is more than just a lame pick-up line. Why would some random jackass think it's at all acceptable to tell a strange woman to smile for him like a trained chimpanzee? What right does he have to dictate to a stranger how she should behave?
Well, if he believes he's more powerful than she is, then he probably believes that he does have the right. And the woman who smiles on command, however begrudgingly, may unconsciously agree. A recent study has found that those who break conventional rules of politeness were perceived as being more powerful. Examples of "powerful" behavior included: smiling less, interrupting others, overstepping boundaries, and speaking in a loud voice. In the study, those who acted rude, inconsiderate, or overbearing were seen as more able to get people to do what they wanted, more in control, and more competent in making decisions.
What would happen if a woman acted in a similarly condescending way? How many women tell male strangers, "Smile, it can't be that bad"? If they did, would they be seen as powerful, or would they just be seen as domineering bitches? We're socialized to be sweet, polite, and nice little girls who turn into sweet, polite, and nice little ladies. We may have gained a significant amount of power in the last hundred years, but we're still expected to act in pleasing ways and smile on command no matter how powerful we are -- or else we'll face the repercussions. And what are those repercussions? Well, there's a good chance that we'd be called a bitch or a cunt for refusing, because the kind of guy who'd command a woman to smile would be the same kind of guy who'd get defensive if she didn't.
In my previous post about how the media treat female politicians, I mentioned how powerful women often face gender-based attacks, which can be based on appearance (fat, ugly), sexuality (frigid, slut), femininity (butch, ball-breaker), or character (liberal, feminist). Even actions that appear to be compliments -- such as flirtatiously telling a woman to smile -- are attempts to direct how she acts and consequently serve as attempts to undermine her power.
When men tell women to smile on command, it's a boundary violation; it's an act of arrogance and dominance. It's a way to police women's behavior by making it pleasing to men. It's the underlying expectation that women should perform for men and serve their desires.
This sense of entitlement permits men to dictate what women should do with their bodies -- whether it's smile, look sexually available, or give birth whether they want to or not.
If this study's results can be broadly applied, then we associate “power” with being inconsiderate, overbearing, and controlling as a culture. This runs contrary to how women are expected to behave (or even how decent men should behave, for that matter). Either the rest of us are going to have to start acting more obnoxiously ourselves, or we're going to have to start redefining power in less obnoxious ways.
Maybe then I'll feel like smiling.
Are You a Sell-Out Sister?
It’s hard to be a woman. So much is expected of us: we need to be the perfect wives/girlfriends, selfless moms/friends/daughters, successful businesswomen -- all while being beautiful and thin. We’d like to think that since other women face similar challenges, that they would support us in ours. We’d like to think that we’d do the same for them. But sadly, this is often not the case. We tend to compete more than collaborate. We pick each other apart with the same critical eyes through which we see ourselves. Deep inside, we think that by knocking her down a few pegs, we might not feel so deficient in comparison. But it never works. In subtle ways, Sell-Out Sisters sabotage the collective power of us all. It’s not just the mean girls who’ll throw a fellow sister under the bus.
- comparing and competing
- judging or insulting ourselves and other women
- accepting the media’s superficial definition of femininity
- minimizing our opinions
- judging another woman’s choice to work or stay at home with kids
- making snide comments about another woman’s looks
- supporting companies who demean women in their advertising
- agreeing with the media that any amount of fat is unacceptable
- buying into the $55 billion-dollar-a-year diet industry
- agreeing that physical imperfection is ugly
- making fat jokes or laughing at them
- gossiping about a woman sleeping around
- going to movies that treat women as primarily sex objects
- accepting sexism and misogyny without questioning
- calling other women sluts, cunts, bitches, or whores
- not speaking up when we’re offended or we disagree
- sabotaging another woman's career advancement
- devaluing our internal qualities
- interfering with other women's reproductive freedom
- trying to silence other women
- embracing the porn star/stripper conception of femininity
- flashing our breasts
- watching shows in which women compete based on looks
- being publicly sexual with other women merely for male attention
- treating ourselves as objects for men’s arousal
- believing that being sexy is the most important quality in women
- idolizing celebrities and models as beauty ideals
- idolizing celebrities and models as actual role models
- seeing beauty ideals as obtainable if only we tried hard enough
- buying tabloids that gossip about which celebrities have packed on the pounds
NOTE: NSFW image below
I had just finished writing this post when I received an email forward from someone close to me. It was a perfect example of a Sell-Out Sister. The woman who sent me this has been morbidly obese for much of her life. Since she was a child, she's been ridiculed and treated poorly due to her weight, and this treatment continued into adulthood. This makes her selling out particularly sad.
Here's the email:
| Subject: FW: Garlic Warning!!!!! Must Read This is terrible !!!!!!!! |
|
OMG...this is really terrible. And I have been touting the benefits of garlic for years!!!
I hope this doesn't happen to anyone I recommended it to.
For years, doctors and scientists have told us that some foods are good for us, only to be told later that they bad for us, and again they tell us that some foods are bad for us, and all the time they've been good for us... and there doesn't seem to be much proof either way to suggest what is good or bad... until now, that is. Garlic is definitely BAD for us if it's true that "You Are What You Eat!" ...scroll down...
You have been Garlic'd. Now you're it!! One rule to this game ... You CANNOT get someone who has already gotten you! So get as many people as you can! (before they get you) I got you first ... You can't get me back! |
Do Your Boobs Hang Low?
Please note: This post contains links and video that show female nudity, and even though the images are non-sexual, they're still probably NSFW (unless you're self-employed).
American culture has a prude, yet promiscuous attitude about women's bodies. We shy away from honest and educational discussions about "private" body parts, but at the same time we're exposed to hours of sexually explicit imagery in our media. How many of us have healthy attitudes about our bodies? What does a "normal" woman even look like?
What are "normal-looking" breasts? What is a "normal-looking" vagina? We've seen our own bodies reflected back at us in the mirror, and we may have seen our mothers' or sisters' bodies as we grew up. Otherwise, the most common representations we see belong to actresses, lingerie models, or porn stars, all of whom adhere to a very narrow body standard. When we compare our reflections with those representations, most of us look quite different. Generally, straight women don't get to see many other normal women naked. I would imagine that straight men and lesbians have a greater understanding of the subtle differences in women's bodies than the rest of us.
In my book, I compiled this list of just some of the variations that -- thanks to the media -- we've come to define as flaws. The criteria for determining a body part a flaw just seems to depend on the availability of a "solution" for that flaw. In other words, a part becomes a flaw when there's a product or service that we can buy to fix it. Newly-defined body flaws are new sources of revenue for companies. And we "buy" right into it. We're never okay just as we are -- there's always one more little thing that we can tweak. The more we see images of female perfection in the media, the more we look at our normal bodies with critical eyes.
More and more of us are surgically altering the very parts that make us female -- our breasts and our vulvas -- for no other reason than to fit an arbitrary ideal. I think it's important that we all get a chance to see what non surgically-altered, unretouched women look like. My hope is that if we see the differences and similarities in other real women's bodies, then we can gain a healthier perspective and learn to have a better appreciation for our own bodies.
This website has lots and lots of pictures of breasts -- big ones, small ones, saggy ones, perky ones, post-pregnancy ones, etc. As the site says, "There is enormous variation in what is normal. Sizes and shapes vary enormously. So don't worry, ladies!" The pictures on this site are not objectified images or shots taken without consent. They're user-submitted with faces cropped for anonymity, and they're accompanied by short commentaries from the submitters. Personally, after browsing the images on this site and reading about the women's feelings about their breasts, I had a renewed appreciation for my own.
Documentary filmmaker Lisa Rogers discusses the growing number of women seeking labiaplasty in her film, "The Perfect Vagina." Labiaplasty is a cosmetic procedure in which a surgeon removes the part of the labia minora (inner vaginal lips) that hangs below the outer labia majora. Some women seek out this procedure to alleviate pain and discomfort, but an increasing number of others are getting their lips sliced off so that they can meet the porn star ideal. This thoughtful and educational film discusses our relationship with the most intimate part of our bodies. (Be aware that this film shows a cringe-worthy and graphic scene of a young woman undergoing this surgery.) You can view the entire film here.
In "The Perfect Vagina," Rogers meets with sculptor Jamie McCartney who has made casts of 350 female volunteers' vulvas for his project called "The Great Wall of Vagina" (aka "Design A Vagina"). As McCartney says: "For many women their genitals are a source of shame rather than pride and this piece seeks to redress the balance, showing that everyone is different and everyone is normal. The sculpture comments on the trend for surgery to create the 'perfect' vagina. This modern day equivalent of female genital mutilation is a bizarre practice which suggests that one is better than another."
Here's a short video describing his project:
I believe that educating ourselves about our bodies is empowering. When we feel comfortable in our own skin, we feel more comfortable in navigating the world -- saggy breasts, droopy labia, and all.
Newsstand by Me
What should a woman’s day consist of? More importantly, what is a woman’s true essence? According to magazines, we should aim for glamour and allure, as these are what will offer us the most value in life. Psychology today tries to put us in touch with the self. It tells us that we’re wired to look to our parents and our family circles for details about navigating the world, or simply our town and country. They teach us that being a woman requires us to look pretty and have good housekeeping skills. If our mothers jones for cellulite prevention and physical perfection, chances are that we will too. They ready us for the beauty and fashion magazines to reinforce this notion by taking over as both car and driver. They make our vanity fair game.
Magazines offer highlights into how our lives can be lucky as long as we take the right road and track. To them, this means being in style, in vogue, much like a cosmopolitan New Yorker would be. It means being in shape like Ms. Muscle and Fitness and perpetually seventeen years old. It means being a sassy mademoiselle. It means being thin and beautiful enough to deserve a playboy* who will offer us food and wine, travel and leisure, better homes and gardens, and the big O in his penthouse* – maybe even turn us into brides. This is supposedly the dream written about in each Saturday evening post in any ladies’ home journal and every wish upon a star.
But it’s all a mirage. Magazines waste so much of our time with mindless entertainment weekly, monthly, and daily. The popular science of marketing ensures they make smart money with the advertising age, striving for consumer reports that signify people are letting the ads in magazines and TV guide them in their purchases. And we readers digest it all.
The maxim* that you can’t believe everything you see is true. It’s real simple – magazines offer spin. From across the nation, from the Atlantic to the Pacific, there are thousands of women who are mad about the endless pressure to look perfect. We need to stand up and bitch, to say it’s not OK, because seriously, the stuff* we put up with is just bazaar.
(* Don't worry -- these link to Wikipedia pages, so they're SFW.)
Help Hugh Know Who
It appears that just a paltry pack of pervs are still peeping at porn printed in paper pictorials. Is poor Playboy's popularity perhaps ... petering out? What a pity.
Fortunately, an unlikely heroine is taking up the cause! In response to the company's financial difficulties, The Daily Show's Kristen Schaal offers an appeal for donations to the Save the Mansion Fund. As she sweetly says: "Living, breathing women with hopes and dreams are standing by to take your pledge."
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Save the Playboy Mansion Fund | ||||
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Dumb Acronym Meets Naïveté
H. er
U. ndermining
S. hirt
B. rings
A. ssholes
N. ot
D. ream guys
Are You Voting for the Hot One, the Bitch, or the Mom?
Criticism of female politicians focuses on gender almost as much as policy. From late night talk show comics to political commentators, female politicians are regularly evaluated on their looks, questioned on their ability to balance work with family, and judged if they step out of ladylike roles. Certainly, male politicians are mocked and criticized as well, but they’re not treated with the same condescension. Regardless of political party or stance, female candidates will most likely face attacks or sexual comments based solely on their possession of a vagina. These comments are an underhanded way to reinforce traditional roles of a woman’s place – and traditionally, a woman’s place is not in power. Sexist comments are a way to invalidate women and to shut us up if we dare to challenge the status quo.
Typically, those who lack the skills to intellectually and rationally argue tend to resort to ad hominem attacks: attacking a woman’s appearance (fat, ugly), sexuality (frigid, slut), femininity (butch, ball-breaker), or character (liberal, feminist). Even compliments can be used as a way to direct attention to a woman’s gender rather than her opinions. This subtle manipulation is done to throw her and the audience off topic. These tactics are commonly seen in forms of media that attract a less-intellectually minded, albeit vocal, crowd – Internet comment threads, letters to the editors of certain publications, ultra-conservative talk radio, and pundits on cable TV programs that try to pass off propaganda as “news” (some might even call it faux news).
Sexist comments are so commonplace that they generally go unchallenged. Also, we’re less likely to object when the candidate’s political ideology differs from our own. (Heard any good Sarah Palin jokes lately?) This isn’t any less offensive though. Why not stick to criticizing her political stances or even her lack of intelligence, but stay away from the comments that narrow her down to her being a chick? Is that too much to ask? There’s certainly public outrage when politicians or media personalities make racist slurs -- as there should be. These people are reprimanded or even fired. They might even formally apologize for their ignorance and insensitivity. Where’s the outrage when Glenn Beck calls Senator Mary Landrieu a prostitute? Or when G. Gordon Liddy says that he hopes the “key conferences aren't when [Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor is] menstruating”? Or what about when Senator Arlen Specter tells Representative Michele Bachmann, "I'm going to treat you like a lady ... now act like one"? (see more) Seriously, WTF?
Need more examples? Check out this short video from the Women's Media Center that demonstrates just how common this crap really is:
This boy’s-club-locker-room-frat-brother mentality continues because there's a lack of accountability. The anonymity of the Internet allows people to make offensive comments that they might otherwise withhold in public. And those who would say such things in public may not get much push-back anyway. Not enough people resist or speak up about sexism, and our silence allows it to go on. It's particularly difficult to change these attitudes culturally when those who hold positions of privilege and power in society (both males and females) contribute to them.
Here's the cost of our apathy. A recent study offered evidence about how sexist insults hurt female politicians (and I’m not just talking about their feelings). These comments are not mere annoyances. They have an actual impact on women’s ability to have respect, influence, and power in society.
Maybe it's time to speak up.
You Will Never Be Merely Pretty
“[This is] about women who will prowl over 30 stores in 6 malls to find the right cocktail dress, but who haven’t a clue how to find fulfillment or how to wear joy …”
This performance made me a new fan of slam poetry. With passion and power, Katie Makkai summarizes our collective obsession with being pretty enough. I have to admit that she brought tears to my eyes. As a fellow poet who also wants to be pretty, I found her performance truly inspiring. For those of you pretty-seeking non-poets, you may very well find that it inspires you too.
Pretty amazing.
