Posts in category Relationships

You Think I’m Beautiful, but You’re Wrong

We are mirrors — we teach children how to feel about themselves, not only through our words, but also through our actions. We can tell a child that she’s beautiful, but if we’re constantly denigrating ourselves, she’ll learn to see herself in that same critical light. Here’s a beautiful example of how one mother’s experiment to help instill a healthy body image in her daughters ends up helping her to improve her own:

“‘Look at me, girls!’ I say to them. ‘Look at how beautiful I am. I feel really beautiful, today.’

“I see it behind their eyes, the calculating and impression. I see it behind their shining brown eyes, how glad they are that I believe I am beautiful. They love me. To them, I am love and guidance and warm, soft blankets and early mornings. They have never doubted how wonderful I am. They have never doubted my beauty. How confusing it must have been for them to see me furrowing my brow in the mirror and sucking in my stomach and sighing.


“How confusing it must have been to have me say to them, ‘You think I am beautiful, but you are wrong. You are small and you love me, so you’re not smart enough to know how unattractive I am. I know I am ugly because I see myself with mean eyes. You are my child and I love you, but I will not allow myself to be pretty, for you. … No matter how much you want to be just like me, I can’t be beautiful for you and I don’t know why.

“It’s working, a little bit. I’ve even stopped hating myself, a little bit.”

Read the rest here.


Scarred for Life

The worry about how to explain homosexuality to kids has more to do with the parents’ fears about homosexuality than kids’ inability to understand. Kids are quite open to learning. Adults are the ones with the problem.

 

Real Men Take “No” for an Answer

I’m not usually a fan of saying “real men” do this or that, but in this case, I concur!

 

Envy

Happy Holidays

Exactly! Just say something nice and respond in kind. It’s the intention behind the greeting that counts. The passive aggressive declarations about keeping the “Christ” in Christmas and being bothered that the cashier said “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” — this isn’t about sharing the joy of the season. It’s about being a bit of a Scrooge.

 

Different Position

You Are, You Are Not

Lots of Them

The “War on Men”?

The “War on Men”? Seriously?! In this Fox News article (are you surprised?), writer Suzanne Venker makes the ridiculous claim that more and more men are shying away from marriage because:

“Women aren’t women anymore. … In a nutshell, women are angry. They’re also defensive … That’s because they’ve been raised to think of men as the enemy. Armed with this new attitude, women pushed men off their pedestal (women had their own pedestal, but feminists convinced them otherwise) and climbed up to take what they were taught to believe was rightfully theirs. …


Whaaat? “Women had their own pedestals”? Oh, does she mean like back when we didn’t have to worry our pretty little heads about voting and all that political nonsense? Or does she mean back when our only option in life was to get married, have kids, and stay home and we didn’t have to worry our pretty little heads about working outside the home? I have a feeling that her concept of being on a pedestal means being subservient, holding a supporting role, and letting men make all the big decisions as leader.

“But what if the dearth of good men, and ongoing battle of the sexes, is – hold on to your seats – women’s fault? … [The media has] put women front and center, while men and children sit in the back seat. But after decades of browbeating the American male, men are tired. “Fortunately, there is good news: women have the power to turn everything around. All they have to do is surrender to their nature – their femininity – and let men surrender to theirs.”


Hear that, ladies? You’re emasculating the menfolk! If you ever want to get married, stop browbeating them, stop trying to steal their jobs, and get back on your pedestal in the kitchen! Let the men take the front seat for once! Stop the War on Men! And for Christ’s sake, stop being a damn feminist! They ruin everything.

Read the rest here, if you can stomach it.


Sandra Bullock

Tame

Are You Feminine?

 

“Do you remember not to stride … to walk with a spring that looks as if you like to dance?” Why, yes I do! In fact, I often do the Waltz as I walk. I may not get very far, but golly gee, do I look feminine!


Man Up

This gave me chills! Here’s a powerful performance about how strict gender roles hurt everyone: “10 Responses to the Phrase ‘Man Up’.”


Tease

Example of men’s sense of entitlement over women’s bodies. Here’s the underlying message: She’s a tease, because men wanted to see her topless but she wouldn’t do it. But as a woman, she’s obligated to show men her breasts if they want her to. But haha – the joke’s on her because they got their way after all, whether she was aware of it or not. (And before anyone says that she chose to wear a sheer top without a bra, I speak from personal experience that in certain lighting, black tops are sometimes more sheer than you’d think.)


Thanksgiving, Part 2

Ok, I have a story to share about this one. Every year, I make two different stuffings for Thanksgiving dinner: the traditional bread stuffing & an oatmeal stuffing — an old recipe handed down from my Jewish grandma, which she got from her Scottish housekeeper over 50 years ago. I make it every year, & every year my dad bitches that I didn’t do it right. Honestly, my grandma hasn’t made it in so long that I doubt he remembers what it’s supposed to taste like. Regardless, it stresses me out every year – especially since I’ve often spent hours making both stuffings, the turkey, & a few other dishes. Anyway, to those of you who have similarly “pleasant” family members … let’s raise a glass in solidarity, because you’re not alone! :/


Thanksgiving, Part 1

Look for Strengths

Why Dogs Are Better than Babies

Be Your Own Best Friend

Beautiful Is …

Joss Whedon

Tina Fey

LOL :D


Love or Hate

Almost everything we feel about others is subjective — remember this next time you’re rejected, insulted, etc.


Ava Gardner

Why wait? This sounds lovely right now, while I’m younger & dark-haired!


Lighter

Here are two 4-letter words I’d say about dating guys who’d have this lighter: FUCK THAT.


Inner Voice

True — my inner voice sounds like my dad. :/



(Yes, a word’s misspelled, but just pretend there’s an “h” in there)


Loud Opinions

“Special Snowflake”

This is what I think when I hear women talking about how they’re “not like other girls” or they’re a “cool girlfriend” because they like watching sports, or they don’t mind going to strip clubs with their guys, or they’re not high-maintenance. It’s as if pleasing men is the highest priority & that either molding yourself to their interests or simply having those same interests makes you better, cooler, or more fun than women who don’t.

 

Women Are Good for Business

Bad Ad

This commercial could easily be confused with the juvenile & sexist ads for Carl’s Jr. But this company doesn’t sell burgers.

You’d think that a luxury cars maker would want their brand associated with class and elegance — not juvenile humor and tacky stereotypes about frumpy smart women and dumb blondes. Way to be classy, Mercedes. :/



Give Birth

I love this advice! But even if you took a different path, it’s never to late to grow into yourself.


Say Thank You

Is America Ready for a Male Leader?

LOL — I love this little bit of satire regarding the different ways we speak about male vs. female politicians. The role reversal points out how absurdly sexist and condescending it is:

“The Secretary of State job requires both tenacity and restraint, both of which may be difficult for a man’s unique chemical constitution. The male hormone testosterone, while responsible for such wondrous miracles as back hair and upper body strength, is also responsible for an increase in male aggression, anger, and even violence. Diplomacy is a difficult enough task without having to temper a man’s natural tendency to throw chairs through windows when angered by gridlock. …


“In addition to fluctuating male hormones, a male Secretary of State will undoubtedly be faced with the difficult task of trying to balance work and family. For generations, men have tried to ‘have it all’ — the great career, the perfect family, a hot body, a youthful, buoyant buttocks … I know it’s not the ‘politically correct’ question to ask, but it needs to be addressed when making important decisions about men in the workplace: if Jon Huntsman is appointed head of the State Department, can we trust him not to shirk his responsibilities in favor of fulfilling his duties as a father of seven? … Who is going to make after school snacks? Can America, with a clean conscience, remove a father from his natural role as hands-on provider and permission slip signer?”


Read more at Jezebel.


A Simple Act of Kindness

Accept Your Flaws

We Won – Deal With It

There have been a lot of sore losers since election results were announced — plenty of political pouting, arguing, and Facebook un-friending. The losing side wants us to stop gloating and just get on with life. Ordinarily, I’d agree, but not this time. They want us to stop now, even though all throughout election season, these same people didn’t stop making inflammatory attacks and absurd claims about the Nazi-Communist-Socialist-liberal agenda, the Black man in the White House, gay marriage bringing on the apocalypse, baby killers, sluts wanting you pay for them to have sex, “legitimate” rape vs. girls who “rape easy,” and so on. In spite of all this “fair and balanced” rhetoric, conservatives still lost fair and square. But now they want everyone to stop talking about the election and to shut up with all our celebrating.

 

Well, you know what? Fuck that! Fuck that, because YOU are the ones who lit the fires. YOU are the ones who started shit. YOU are the ones who fought to take away people’s rights to their lives and their bodies. YOU are the ones being degrading and insulting. So damn right we’re going to express how absolutely thrilled we are that we shut that shit down!

 

There’s been so much bigotry throughout politics lately, an incredible amount of sexism, homophobia, and racism. And those who support those ideals — or those who can so casually excuse them — deserve to be called on it.

 

This is the most politically involved that I’ve ever been in my life, because as many other women realized — our rights are being threatened. And I’m finding it really hard to separate people from their politics, because beliefs matter. They impact your worldview and your behavior toward others.

 

You’re entitled to believe in whatever you want, but you are not entitled to impose your beliefs on me. And I don’t care if it’s under the guise of religion or if you believe that God Himself personally spoke to you. Because when you start forcing your beliefs on me, it becomes abundantly clear that your “traditional values” are less about following a moral code and more about oppressing others in the name of your self-serving ideology. Those are not values that I will abide by. You are not allowed to infringe on MY rights, MY body, MY choices, no matter how “righteous” or “justified” you believe yourself to be. Your beliefs do not get to trump my freedom. Your sense of entitlement over others’ personal lives, your selfish belief that you have the right to control others — these are complete and utter boundary violations. How dare you say that your beliefs matter more than mine! That kind of arrogance and lack of compassion astound me.

 

When our rights are attacked; when we’re treated with condescension and our morals, maturity, and ability to make decisions about our own bodies and lives are questioned; when the definition of rape is twisted to benefit the rapist and punish women — well, damn right we’re going to take it personally! We’re going to defend ourselves against insulting, selfish, and paternalistic attacks against our humanity. We’re going to stand up against sanctimonious bullies who use religion and legal maneuvers to chip away at our civil rights. We’re going to vote for the people who actually respect our constitutional and moral rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And we’re going to question the integrity of those who are so willing to throw our rights under the bus. How dare you speak about freedom when you are so intent on attacking ours.

 

In this election, we had more on the line than you did. We had more to lose. And guess what? YOU built that. So hell yeah — of course we’re going to celebrate and we’re going to do a bit of gloating about how we prevailed.

 

We won. You lost. Deal with it.

 

 

Ewww … Boys Are Gross!

Love the horrified look on this little girl’s face! LOL


A Woman’s Place


The conservative social forces conspiring to roll back the clocks on women’s reproductive rights have much in common with the forces that tried to keep women from having voting rights. In an attempt to undermine suffragettes’ struggles to gain rights that men were able to enjoy, these women were demonized as ugly, masculine, bad mothers, morally challenged, promiscuous, childish, and emasculating to men. Nearly 100 years have passed since then, but not much has changed:

 

“The social pressures that resisted suffrage can’t be underestimated. … It wasn’t just that women had to fight for the right to vote, but women had to fight for the right to speak in public to be able to advocate for their own rights. …

 

The battle for suffrage wasn’t just about the legal right to vote, but it was also about women’s ability to be public figures, not confined to the home. It was more broadly about women’s role in society. …
 

“The messages you find on anti-suffrage postcards from the 1910s are not dissimilar from what you might hear from Rush Limbaugh or Bill O’Reilly today in the 2010s. Suffragettes were drawn as conniving coquettes, ugly, mean spinsters or, worse, ugly, mean wives who left their families helpless as they attended town-hall meetings. …
 

“That was a common theme, that if women were given political power they would crush men and upset the gender roles in society, particularly in the family. …
 

“We operate with this zero-sum mentality, which is, if women gain rights, men lose them. … You see the same sort of idea that if people of color or ethnic minorities make gains, whites therefore lose something. So if men only understand their identity in relationship to being bigger than women, then it’s a trade-off. You see it in dozens of anti-suffrage postcards, showing men being hurt if women advance. Human beings seem to operate with this mentality where if you expand the rights of some, it diminishes the rights of others, instead of collectively expanding the rights of all of us as a people.”
 

Read more here:

 

Your Mirror

Over the last several months, I’ve noticed that lots of women have been smiling at me on the street, in restaurants, in stores, etc. I’m not used to this, partly because I can be a little shy & I avoid eye contact with passing strangers, but partly because of a sad habit shared by many of us — that we view other women as threats.


So why does it seem like women are smiling at me more often? Was it because I’ve gained a few pounds, so they’re not worried about me anymore? No, that’s probably not quite it. So what’s changed? And all of the sudden, it occurred to me … I’ve been smiling at them first. I’ve been making eye contact. I’ve been treating them as non-threatening. And in turn, they’ve been treating me the same.

We can choose to connect with others or to feel separate from them. Either way, we’re all each others’ mirrors. What are you reflecting?


No One

Her Lips Say No, But Her Eyes Say …

Obama – Make a Difference

Mine, Not Yours

This Is MY Body

 

Love this woman’s courageous stand against her bullies:

“WARNING: Picture might be considered obscene because subject is not thin. And we all know that only skinny people can show their stomachs and celebrate themselves. Well I’m not going to stand for that. This is my body. Not yours. MINE. Meaning the choices I make about it, are none of your fucking business. Meaning my size, IS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. If my big belly and fat arms and stretch marks and thick thighs offend you, then that’s okay. I’m not going to hide my body and my being to benefit your delicate sensitivities.”



She dedicates the above photo to all of those people who’d criticized her weight over the years, even the male stranger who told her that her belly was too big when she was five years old. And then she concluded the post with this empowering message (emphasis is in original):

“MOST OF ALL, this picture is for me. For the girl who hated her body so much she took extreme measures to try to change it. Who cried for hours over the fact she would never be thin. Who was teased and tormented and hurt just for being who she was.


I’m so over that.


THIS IS MY BODY, DEAL WITH IT.


and FUCK YOU ALL who tried to degrade my being and sense of self with your hurtful comments and actions.


GUESS WHAT IT DIDN’T WORK HAHAHAHAH” 


Read the rest here.


To Republican Friends

Pulitzer Prize & Tony Award-winning playwright Doug Wright’s recent Facebook post to his Republican friends about gay rights. Love this!

 

Know Your Worth

Haters Gonna Hate

Feminist Belle on Rape Jokes

Creepshots

In a previous post, I discussed how voyeuristic assholes take photos or videos of girls’ or women’s body parts and post them online on sites such as Reddit. These photos or videos are often taken — or at least posted — without the person’s knowledge or consent. But the purpose of taking and sharing these images isn’t just to perv over them. There’s something more sinister behind it:

 

“The currency of ‘creepshots,’ ‘jailbait,’ and blackmail isn’t sex. It’s power—the power to capture the image of a girl who doesn’t know she’s being photographed, or to shame her by endlessly reposting what was meant to be a private image.


What drew male fans … wasn’t just the chance to see pubescent boobs, but to bond over the experience of another human being’s humiliation. … “In a world where so many of men’s choices are driven by the desire to please other dudes … the extent to which guys ‘police’ each other is what sets the limits of what is and isn’t acceptable. … This isn’t about bullying the bullies. This is about destroying the reward system that feeds them. … If we want to make a safer world for our daughters, we have to ask grown men to create a culture where their exploitation is never rewarded.”


Concept of Virginity

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