This is an ad by Bushmaster, maker of the .223 caliber semiautomatic rifle that was used to kill 27 innocent people at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Connecticut last Friday. Bushmaster thinks buying an assault rifle will give you back your "man card".
I recently posted a Purple Paper Project ad for Yankee's "man candles". Now, here's another pointlessly gendered product -- mixed nuts.
Apparently, the best campaign slogan that Planters could come up with was: "The manliest mix we've ever assembled". Wow, that's weak. They're trying to sell nuts to guys! How hard can it be? (snicker) Where's the creativity ... or at least some juvenile humor? Fortunately, I can help!:
- • Available in a canister or in a box of six individual nut sacks!
- • These nuts aren't for women!
- • Grab Planters' nuts today!
- • Are you manly enough to put our nuts in your mouth?
- • Please, bite our salty nuts!
Planters, feel free to have your marketing department contact me for more.
Not every guy has a mommy or a wife who does their laundry, so either there are lots of guys running around in filthy rags or they're actually washing their own clothes. It's time for ads to start reflecting reality. Real men do laundry, Purex, so you can make cartoon men do it too.
Arrowhead wants you to know that women get super-excited over the simplest things.
Minimizing the athletic abilities of female Olympic gold medal winners by focusing on their appearance ...
See more Purple Paper Project ads
Still not satisfied? Read this related post: "Epi-Curious? 10 Foods that Women Want to Have Sex With"
I recently launched the Purple Paper Project, an "ad campaign" that critiques the way advertisers market to women. In a separate post about advertising, I wrote that "In our image-and-diet-obsessed culture, indulgences like chocolate are forbidden. ... What do you think happens when we’re culturally pressured to be chocolate virgins? We turn into chocolate whores, of course." While all of the following ads show women pleasuring themselves with food, those marketed to women imply that it's a personal and private indulgence. However, the ads created from the perspective of a male viewer depict women seductively eating in a way that vicariously pleasures men. See if you can tell them apart (there is some overlap). Here are the top 10 hottest foods for women:
1. York Peppermint Patty
Woman passionately rips the wrapper off the so-cool-it's-hot peppermint patty. She takes a whiff and her eyes roll back into her head (in a good way). She bites the patty and clutches the wrapper like a bedsheet as her eyes dilate and she gives her O-face. Narrator: "York Peppermint Patty. Get the Sensation." Yeah, I think she just did.
2. Ghirardelli Squares Chocolate
This chocolate has the "ingredients for the most intense chocolate experience" (read: best orgasm). Narrator: "Take time to enjoy your Ghirardelli squares chocolate slowly ... very slowly." Tagline: Ghirardelli. Moments of timeless pleasure." Ladies, this is a chocolate to make love to, not just fuck like a cheap peppermint patty. Because this chocolate's all classy and shit.
3. Dove Chocolate
(Cue bow-chika-wow-wow music) Woman takes a bite. This seems to trigger all-over-body groping from a flowing ribbon of silky chocolate ... yes, even right between her legs. Wow, some chocolates have balls. Narrator: "Only a chocolate this pure can be this silky and make you savor, sigh, melt." Tagline: "My moment. My Dove." You can be damn sure she just had a moment with her Dove.
4. Lindt's Lindor Truffles
This chocolate is "created with passion by Lindt's master(bating?) chocolatiers" -- one of whom stares disturbingly at a chocolate-covered whisk like he's planning to use it in a passionate way. Narrator: "When you break its shell, Lindor's smooth center begins to melt ... and so will you." Tagline: "Do you dream in chocolate?" (Unofficial tagline: "Do you wet dream in chocolate?")
5. Dove Ice Cream
Ah, another adgasm from Dove. The woman stares into the camera as she seductively opens her mouth and pleasures the ice cream bar, and then bites into it (ouch!) She finger-feeds herself and puts the stick between her teeth like a Flamenco dancer's red rose. Tagline: same as the Dove chocolate ad above -- "Your moment. Your Dove" -- but this ad says to share your "moment" on Facebook. I'd recommend against sharing, especially if you ever plan to run for public office.
6. Magnum Ice Cream
While stuck in traffic, Rachel Bilson jumps barefoot from car to car, so she can blow an ice cream bar. (Side note: Magnum is also a brand of condoms, so if you use them together, the ice cream has zero calories!) Narrator: "Nothing will keep you from Magnum." Not even criminal charges from damaging a police vehicle and several other cars, abandoning your own car in the middle of the road, or inciting a riot. Tagline: "Magnum: For pleasure seekers." I hope it was worth it.
7. Lay's Potato Chips
Woman flirtatiously opens up the bag and bites her lip as either the chips or Al Green serenades her with: "I'm so in love with you, whatever you want to do is alright with me." That's good, because she's in the mood to get ... lay-ed. Narrator: "One taste and you're in love." She should try Ruffles next time -- they're ribbed for her pleasure.
8. Carl's Jr. Western Bacon Six-Dollar Burger
Padma Lakshmi strolls through an outdoor market. "I've always had a love affair with food," she says. After sitting down on a front stoop, she begins a girl-on-burger makeout session. The burger drips special sauce on her, and she licks it off. Narrator: "Carl's Jr. Western Bacon Six-Dollar Burger: More than just a piece of meat." How very clever. Hardee-har-har.
9. Disaronno Amaretto
One drink makes the list. In this ad, the bartender tries to take the woman's glass away after she finishes, but she stops him so she can seductively suck the last drops of amaretto off an ice cube. Narrator: "Disaronno's warm and sensual (sexual?) taste makes you wish it would never end."After enough drinks, you'll wish it ended sooner. Tagline: "Disaronno -- pass the pleasure around" ... along with the STDs.
10. Baby Carrots
Yes, it's an ad for carrots. In this tongue-in-cheek (tongue-on-carrot?) ad, the woman gets freaky with Bugs Bunny's favorite treat. (What's up with that, Doc?) As the woman strokes a carrot up her own arm, the female narrator says: "Feel that feeling -- you know the feeling," to which the male narrator answers: "It's overt sexual innuendo." I just hope they don't move up to adult carrots ... or fingerling potatoes. That would just be dirty.
BONUS: Axe Dark Temptation Body Spray
Although this is technically not a food, it still makes the list. Guy sprays on Axe, which turns him into Irresistible Chocolate Man. As he walks down the street, he breaks off pieces of himself and feeds them to women. Then women start grabbing licks and bites for themselves. These two women go for the ears first, just like a chocolate Easter bunny. Tagline: "As irresistible as chocolate. New Axe Dark Temptation." Wonder if he's solid or if he has some kind of filling?
I'm pleased to announce my new "ad campaign" -- introducing the "Purple Paper Project"! For this project, I'll be critiquing offensive advertising messages with the help of little purple papers and a little snark. Each new ad will be posted here on my blog, and I'll compile them together in the "Purple Paper Project" tab in the right sidebar.
We see about 3000 advertising messages everyday. Even when we're not paying attention, they're always in the background. Cumulatively, these messages affect how we feel about ourselves. In so many ways, they tell us we're too fat, our skin looks like crap, and our house is a mess. They teach us what society expects of us -- and how we're not measuring up. They play on our insecurities, and even invent new ones for us to obsess over (cankles, anyone?). But don't worry, because they're sure to have a product or service that can fix our "flaws"! How very convenient!
The more I started paying attention to these messages, the more I realized how manipulative, insulting, and sexist they were. And I also realized that I was buying right into them. Maybe I did need to lose weight, improve my skin, and clean my house more thoroughly.
Or maybe my weight, skin, and house were just fine the way they were.
Advertising is a one-way form of communication in which powerful corporations try to persuade us to spend our money by manipulating our insecurity. The "Purple Paper Project" is about turning this into a two-way conversation. Consumers have powerful voices too, and it's about time that we started talking back.
To kick this project off, here's an ad from Viva paper towels:
