I recently launched the Purple Paper Project, an “ad campaign” that critiques the way advertisers market to women. In a separate post about advertising, I wrote that “In our image-and-diet-obsessed culture, indulgences like chocolate are forbidden. … What do you think happens when we’re culturally pressured to be chocolate virgins? We turn into chocolate whores, of course.” While all of the following ads show women pleasuring themselves with food, those marketed to women imply that it’s a personal and private indulgence. However, the ads created from the perspective of a male viewer depict women seductively eating in a way that vicariously pleasures men. See if you can tell them apart (there is some overlap). Here are the top 10 hottest foods for women:
1. York Peppermint Patty
Woman passionately rips the wrapper off the so-cool-it’s-hot peppermint patty. She takes a whiff and her eyes roll back into her head (in a good way). She bites the patty and clutches the wrapper like a bedsheet as her eyes dilate and she gives her O-face. Narrator: “York Peppermint Patty. Get the Sensation.” Yeah, I think she just did.
2. Ghirardelli Squares Chocolate
This chocolate has the “ingredients for the most intense chocolate experience” (read: best orgasm). Narrator: “Take time to enjoy your Ghirardelli squares chocolate slowly … very slowly.” Tagline: Ghirardelli. Moments of timeless pleasure.” Ladies, this is a chocolate to make love to, not just fuck like a cheap peppermint patty. Because this chocolate’s all classy and shit.
3. Dove Chocolate
(Cue bow-chika-wow-wow music) Woman takes a bite. This seems to trigger all-over-body groping from a flowing ribbon of silky chocolate … yes, even right between her legs. Wow, some chocolates have balls. Narrator: “Only a chocolate this pure can be this silky and make you savor, sigh, melt.” Tagline: “My moment. My Dove.” You can be damn sure she just had a moment with her Dove.
4. Lindt’s Lindor Truffles
This chocolate is “created with passion by Lindt’s master(bating?) chocolatiers” — one of whom stares disturbingly at a chocolate-covered whisk like he’s planning to use it in a passionate way. Narrator: “When you break its shell, Lindor’s smooth center begins to melt … and so will you.” Tagline: “Do you dream in chocolate?” (Unofficial tagline: “Do you wet dream in chocolate?”)
5. Dove Ice Cream
Ah, another adgasm from Dove. The woman stares into the camera as she seductively opens her mouth and pleasures the ice cream bar, and then bites into it (ouch!) She finger-feeds herself and puts the stick between her teeth like a Flamenco dancer’s red rose. Tagline: same as the Dove chocolate ad above — “Your moment. Your Dove” — but this ad says to share your “moment” on Facebook. I’d recommend against sharing, especially if you ever plan to run for public office.
6. Magnum Ice Cream
While stuck in traffic, Rachel Bilson jumps barefoot from car to car, so she can blow an ice cream bar. (Side note: Magnum is also a brand of condoms, so if you use them together, the ice cream has zero calories!) Narrator: “Nothing will keep you from Magnum.” Not even criminal charges from damaging a police vehicle and several other cars, abandoning your own car in the middle of the road, or inciting a riot. Tagline: “Magnum: For pleasure seekers.” I hope it was worth it.
7. Lay’s Potato Chips
Woman flirtatiously opens up the bag and bites her lip as either the chips or Al Green serenades her with: “I’m so in love with you, whatever you want to do is alright with me.” That’s good, because she’s in the mood to get … lay-ed. Narrator: “One taste and you’re in love.” She should try Ruffles next time — they’re ribbed for her pleasure.
8. Carl’s Jr. Western Bacon Six-Dollar Burger
Padma Lakshmi strolls through an outdoor market. “I’ve always had a love affair with food,” she says. After sitting down on a front stoop, she begins a girl-on-burger makeout session. The burger drips special sauce on her, and she licks it off. Narrator: “Carl’s Jr. Western Bacon Six-Dollar Burger: More than just a piece of meat.” How very clever. Hardee-har-har.
9. Disaronno Amaretto
One drink makes the list. In this ad, the bartender tries to take the woman’s glass away after she finishes, but she stops him so she can seductively suck the last drops of amaretto off an ice cube. Narrator: “Disaronno’s warm and sensual (sexual?) taste makes you wish it would never end.”After enough drinks, you’ll wish it ended sooner. Tagline: “Disaronno — pass the pleasure around” … along with the STDs.
10. Baby Carrots
Yes, it’s an ad for carrots. In this tongue-in-cheek (tongue-on-carrot?) ad, the woman gets freaky with Bugs Bunny’s favorite treat. (What’s up with that, Doc?) As the woman strokes a carrot up her own arm, the female narrator says: “Feel that feeling — you know the feeling,” to which the male narrator answers: “It’s overt sexual innuendo.” I just hope they don’t move up to adult carrots … or fingerling potatoes. That would just be dirty.
BONUS: Axe Dark Temptation Body Spray
Although this is technically not a food, it still makes the list. Guy sprays on Axe, which turns him into Irresistible Chocolate Man. As he walks down the street, he breaks off pieces of himself and feeds them to women. Then women start grabbing licks and bites for themselves. These two women go for the ears first, just like a chocolate Easter bunny. Tagline: “As irresistible as chocolate. New Axe Dark Temptation.” Wonder if he’s solid or if he has some kind of filling?