Woman goes out on a pleasant date with a seemingly nice guy. Guy sends a text the next day, hinting at sex. She politely lets him know that she's not ready for a sexual relationship yet. The conversation quickly deteriorates, with him calling her "bitchy," "mean," and "crazy". Here's an excerpt from her open letter to him:
"You didn’t seem to think I was too bitchy, mean, or crazy literally 15 minutes earlier when you texted me saying you wanted to see me again. What changed? What changed is that I said something that you didn’t like. I told you, in response to a flirty-sounding text, that I wanted to take sexual stuff slowly. But it really doesn’t matter what I said, does it? I said something that you didn’t like. That made me 'bitchy,' 'mean' and 'crazy.'
... In our culture, 'crazy,' 'bitchy' and 'mean' are three of the worst words that you can call a woman. Those words you used are dismissive on purpose. Those words are intended to shut a woman down, because women know society doesn’t like mean, crazy bitches. Got the message loud and clear, sweetie."
But there's more to it. When a man calls a woman a "crazy bitch," not only does it dismiss her feelings, but it also alleviates his own feelings of rejection. Instead of confronting his insecurities, he'll defensively blame the woman and project onto her his "crazy" (i.e., confusing or embarrassing) emotions. She becomes the crazy one, while he's acting in a perfectly reasonable manner. And she's still the crazy one -- even if he gaslights her and instigates the "craziness." Certainly, it's possible for women to act "crazy" or "bitchy" at times, but these terms are used way more frequently to dismiss and silence us for speaking our minds or making a man feel uncomfortable.
The author of the article offers her former suitor a crash course in Communication for Grown-Ups:
"Now, this could just be my craziness coming out, but I have this radical idea that it might be easier to just listen to what a woman is saying, file those little bits of emotion away in your brain, and then make a thoughtful judgment call based on what she communicated. No one is saying you have to do what she asks. No one is even saying you have to stick around with her! But changing your own behavior to listen and — crazy, radical idea here again — communicating with her your thoughts might yield better results than writing off anyone who says something you don’t like ..."
That just seems crazy enough to work! Read the rest of the article here.
