Damn – That’s Some Hot Chocolate!

Call me uptight, but I would never have sex with my chocolate or my broom – regardless of what the commercials would have one believe. Each 30-second spot shows women seeking out romantic relationships with these and other inanimate objects.

Women seem to particularly enjoy making out with chocolate. In our image-and-diet-obsessed culture, indulgences like chocolate are forbidden. It's a guilty pleasure that we should have in secret. One must not show off that she engages in such sinful activities lest she be deemed a fat gluttonous pig. Eating chocolate is our dirty little secret, but oh how it pleasures us. We become practically insatiable, but then the shame sets in and we abstain for awhile.

What do you think happens when we're culturally pressured to be chocolate virgins? We turn into chocolate whores, of course.

Seriously, Dove®. Just because I love your chocolate, it doesn’t mean I love your chocolate.

I’m even less likely to love sweeping the floor. This relationship is a little different than the one we have with chocolate though. It doesn't matter that it's 2011 -- in the world of commercials, cleaning is still women's work. When we’re not using Bounty® to cheerfully wipe up the bounty of milk that our 5-year-olds spill all over the kitchen floor, we're being romanced by our cleaning products. According to the tagline, “Swiffer® gives cleaning a whole new meaning.” Apparently, that meaning implies that we like to get dirty with our cleaning products.

(Looks like this woman can’t handle their differences, so she leaves the broom for a Swiffer®. Although the broom bristles at first, he ends up replacing his human female with a rake. Another meaningless relationship left in the dust.)

If women are so hard up for companionship that we’re hooking up with our brooms, then we’re some pretty desperate housewives indeed. Who’d heavy pet her Swiffer® WetJet? Who’d think her Swiffer® Duster could ever pass muster? Who’d aim for no deeper than her Swiffer® Sweeper? Who’s that lady?

In the context of this absurd alternate universe in which human females choose common household products as mates, I suppose I would have to choose the chocolate over the broom. At least chocolate is sweet and rich, caring for my heart with antioxidants and getting me giddy with endorphins. I could just put a piece between my lips, savor it and let the smooth creaminess slowly melt across my tongue and fill my mouth with pleasure until it becomes a part of me. Ahhh ... how romantic.

Can a broom do all that? Hell, not even Swiffer® can.